The Case of the Missing Jug
by Bezo and Yezo
Summary: Auron loses something very near and dear to his heart. The group embarks upon a grand journey to retrieve it, resulting in madness, mayhem, and a dramatic increase in Rikku’s stats.
1. Sounds Like a Side Quest!

Auron's Angst Spectacular (or The Case of the Missing Jug)

Disclaimer: We don't own the characters of Final Fantasy 10, which belong to Square Whatever-They-Are-Now. 

Summary: Auron loses something very near and dear to his heart. The group embarks upon a grand journey to retrieve it, resulting in madness, mayhem, and a dramatic increase in Rikku's stats.

Chapter 1: Sounds Like a Side Quest!

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We are all taught right from childhood that loss is a natural part of life, and a hardship that everyone must deal with at some point or another. It is a simple concept in theory, but in practice, it becomes much harder. What is one to do when the loss is so great that they simply feel that they cannot go on, that life will be utterly impossible? Utterly meaningless?

Perhaps some inkling of these questions occurred to Auron as he gradually awoke on that blithe spring morning late in April, or at least the Spira equivalent, in a small, narrow bed in a random inn, in an equally random town. He climbed from his little next of blankets, pillows, and a teddy bear that he never would have admitted to, even under threat of death for more reasons than are obvious to those who are familiar with exactly who and what Auron is, and dressed for the day, all the while trying to fight off the niggling feeling that something was missing. Something important. Something that had been a part of him for as long as he could remember.

Still, being a busy curmudgeonly, badass ronin, Auron didn't have time to dwell on such issues. Affixing his shoulder guard and slinging his sword over his shoulder, he left the room, still unable to shake the feeling that he was forgetting something that would later come back to haunt him.

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   "Hey, Auron," Tidus greeted, far too happily for so early in the morning, jogging over as Auron left the inn.

   "Hey, kid," Auron returned.

   "Are we still going weapon-shopping?" Tidus asked, eyes wide and shiny.

   "Yeah, I need a new sharp, pokey thing. Let's go," Auron replied with a small smile that no one could have possibly seen beneath his neck-thingy, turning and starting toward the local Random Village Weapon Emporium.

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   "Hi!" Tidus called to the guy behind the counter with a friendly wave as the two entered the Emporium. 

   "Hey there, sonny," the ancient fellow behind the counter smiled toothlessly at them. "In the market for some new sharp, hurty things, are ye?" 

Auron didn't react at all, in a manner that suggested surprise.  

   "Uh…yeah. Sharp…hurty things. I would have said pokey, myself…"

   "Ooh, fresh out of pokey things," the clerk told them sadly. "Just have hurty."

   "Well, I guess hurty will have to do," Tidus agreed reluctantly.

   "No, it won't," Auron said firmly. "I need sharp, hurty, AND pokey, dammit! With piercing plus two! We're going to another weapon emporium! Come on."

   "You'll be back," the old man wheezed as Auron dragged a startled Tidus from the store. 

Auron may have smiled slightly, but no one could be sure for reasons already covered.

   "We'll see, won't we?"

As they reached the door, Auron reached into that vague space of 'somewhere at his side' and withdrew a Dark Matter.

Ten seconds later, the weapon emporium had ceased to be, having taken more than the damage limit of an average weapon emporium.

Tidus blinked to remove dust from his eye.

   "You know that was the only weapon place in the town, right?"

   "So, we'll go to a different town. We've got time, you know. Turns out Sin will just wait for us, no matter how long we take to get to him. Remember when we got Anima? That took us days and days. But it was worth it," he concluded.

   "Yeah, but Auron, where did you _get_ a piece of Dark Matter?"

   "Well," Auron began, stepping over a piece of well-charred wood near the road. "Remember when we were at the Omega Ruins, maxing out Rikku's sphere grid…for some reason-"

   "I don't think it's fair that Rikku can cast every black and white magic spell known to man, in addition to doing more damage than me, with her knuckles!"

   "Quit whining. I'm telling a story here."

   "I thought this was _my_ story!"

   "This _was_ your story; it began here. Unfortunately, _some_ Rikku fanboy playing this game decided it's _her_ story, so she's getting all the levelling up and sphere grid love." 

   "That sucks," Tidus pouted.

   "Yeah, I can't say I like being out-muscled by Rikku either. I'd say take it up with her, but I don't think either of us stands a chance. Now, as I was saying…damn. What was I saying?"

   "We were at the Omega Ruins?"

   "Yeah, right. Remember when we ran into Omega Weapon?"

   "Boy, do I! That could have been horrible, if Rikku hadn't beat him in three hits!"

   "That was Ultima Weapon! We _bribed_ Omega Weapon, remember? I gave him five million gil to go away, and he gave me ten Dark Matter, which I put into my jug here-" As he glanced down at his side to notice that something was undeniably missing, his expression may have changed. "Where's my jug?"

   "Gee, I don't know," Tidus replied, perplexed. "Maybe you left it in the inn."

   "I didn't leave it in the inn," Auron snapped.

   "Maybe you left it in the weapon emporium?"

   "Don't say that," Auron said almost hysterically. 

   "Hey, you done shopping, ya?"

We shall leave it to the reader to decide who said this. 

   "Hi, Wakka," Tidus greeted absently, deciding not to leave anything up to the intelligence of people in general. "Hey, Wakka, have you seen Auron's jug?"

   "Ya, I've seen it," Wakka replied. "It's about this big-" He held up his hands to indicate. "-kinda white, and has beads?"

   "So, you know where it is?" Auron asked almost hopefully.

   "Ya, it's hangin' from your belt, ya?"

Auron looked, despite the fact that he knew otherwise.

---------------------------------------------

When Rikku emerged from the inn five seconds later, it was to the curious sight of Tidus trying to restrain a lividly angry Auron from strangling Wakka. She was about to go over and inquire as to what was going on, when Omega Weapon sauntered past and looked at her funny. She absently power-flicked it into the stratosphere, where it assumed a low earth orbit, and presumably is waiting for the time when it will return to kill every young blonde girl it happens across, in hopes of living down that humiliation. 

   "What's going on, guys? Oh, yaay, it's Beat On Wakka Day!" she chirped, tapping him gently on the shoulder.

   "Argh!" he howled as his shoulder broke in three places.

   "Oops! I forgot I have max strength attributes!"

   "Don't know how you could forget," Wakka whimpered. "You keep reminding us every five seconds!"

   "How's that shoulder, Wakka?" she asked cheerfully, leaning on it.

   "Arrrrrrrrgh, ya!"

   "Will you just heal him?" Lulu said, apparently having arrived within the last couple of seconds.

With a pout, Rikku cast an insanely powerful Curaga, at which everyone in the nearby vicinity found themselves feeling refreshed. Even Omega Weapon, from space, found that his headache was fading. 

   "Hey, what do you think of this skimpy outfit?" Yuna asked, emerging from a nearby shop.

As one, Rikku, Auron, Wakka, Lulu, and Kimahri, who had also shown up, but said little, as was his wont, shook their heads.

   "No, ya?" Wakka commented.

   "So…which is it?" Yuna asked, confused.

   "No. Ya."

   "Um…anyway, what do you think, Rikku?"

   "I've seen skimpier," Rikku shrugged.

   "Ooh, of course, Rikku's seen skimpier," Tidus muttered. "Because she's seen everything, with her God-like stats! I feel better now. At least, I will if Yuna keeps wearing that outfit," he concluded hopefully.

   "I…don't know…if the….world is ready…for…this," Yuna said. 

   "Looks good to me, honey!" Sin commented, flying past.

   "Your dad is a pervert!" Yuna told Tidus angrily. Or, at least the Yuna-equivalent of angry.

   "Yeah, and he's an alcoholic, and abusive, and a big meanie!" Tidus added. 

   "What a whiner," Auron sighed. "Ooh, my dad is a big spiky end-boss! Poor me! I have to kill my dad! Angst, angst, angst! Can we please focus on the important issue? My jug is missing!" 

   "Sounds like a side-quest!" Rikku commented excitedly.

   "Nooooooooooooo, ya?" Wakka howled in agony. 

   "Well…let me…go…change, and…we'll be off," Yuna said.

   "That's how it's done," Auron said approvingly. After all, a daughter of Braska should _not_ be going around dressed like that! 

As they dispersed to run their various errands, no one noticed Lulu's slight smirk of satisfaction.

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   "Hey, Lulu, where are we going?" Tidus asked, scratching his head as the airship made yet another completely unexpected and seemingly random turn.

   "We're looking for my jug," Auron broke in from the corner, where he had been sulking very pointedly at everyone. "What more do you need?"

   "I'm the inquisitive type," Tidus replied cheerfully. "And anyway, I don't know anything about this world."

   "Just this world?" Auron muttered.

   "There is a jug dealership running out of the Thunder Plains," Lulu, who had apparently been biding her time through this entertaining bit of side-rhetoric. "Do you have any pictures or spheres of this jug? They could prove useful."

Auron was just about to reply incredulously that of course he had spheres – what kind of fool would leave home without them? – when it occurred to him in a sickening rush that he was. 

   "I left them back in Zanarkand!"

   "Well, then, before we go to the Thunder Plains, I suppose we had better search the Zanarkand Ruins," Lulu said thoughtfully.

   "Do we really have time for all these side quests, ya?" Wakka asked impatiently. "Sin is probably gobbling up villages left and right!"

   "Hmph!" Auron hmphed. "All he'll have to do is find one village with a good extensive wine cellar, and he won't leave. I imagine he'll be quite incapacitated by the time we get to him."

   "Alright!" Rikku chirped. "I love side quests! Maybe we can find some items that can enhance my stats!"

   "Mutter-mutter-mutter," said everyone else rather resentfully.

   "Ahem," someone said delicately.

Everyone wheeled about to stare at Kimahri in astonishment.

   "It talked!" Tidus gasped.

   "Kimahri not understand why we go to such lengths to find stupid jug," Kimahri continued.

Auron's eyes narrowed. He grabbed Kimahri by the horn and dragged him closer.

   "Say that again," he suggested menacingly.

   "Kimahri not understand why we go to such lengths to find-"

   "Alright, alright, fine," Auron grumbled. "I can't intimidate this one. My bad-ass stat could use some boosting."

   "Well, then. If no one else has anything irrelevant to add-" Lulu began.

   "I just wanted to…say that I'm very…excited about…finally ridding Spira…of Sin and bringing…the…calm," Yuna said very slowly.

   "Very…good, Yuna. I see my…acting…lessons have paid………off," William Shatner called from off-stage in a blatant shattering of the fourth wall.

   "Wakka, go fix that," Lulu sighed. 

   "Ya," Wakka agreed, pulling a carpenter's hat and a tub of Spackle from out of nowhere. "Some things you can't fix by summoning Aeons, or stealing, or blasting into tiny bits with black magic, or even throwing a Blitz Ball! So, it's a good thing ol' Wakka is here for some first-class carpentry! Ya."

   "I could have carried that Spackle with me, if I had my jug," Auron said to himself, getting slightly misty in the eyes. "Now, can we go, please?"

   "You can't rush genius, ya?" Wakka called, measuring a board of dry wall. 

   "How about what you've got?" Auron asked.

   "Is it just me, or is Auron crustier and curmudgeonier than usual?" Tidus asked, scratching his head.

   "Curmudgeonier isn't…a…word…you," Yuna informed him fondly.

   "I have a name, you know," Tidus said, slightly offended.

   "I know," Yuna replied. "Isn't he great, Rikku?" 

   "Yeah," Rikku agreed. "We all like him!"

   "Yes, there are times when he's almost tolerable," Lulu agreed. "Now, shall we go?"

   "Yes! We shall!" Auron replied, shoving Brother out of the way. "Move, buddy. I'm flying this thing now!"

   "I am not Buddy! I am Brother! HE is Buddy!" Brother exclaimed, pointing flamboyantly at the other man before flamboyantly retiring to the airship's all-night disco. It was a large airship…

   "Why…do I get the feeling…that we're all going to…die…a horrible death?" Yuna asked, holding tightly to Tidus' arm as the airship sped up abruptly and began to swerve crazily through the air.

Auron chuckled from the steering thingy.

   "Some of us don't have to worry about that…"

   "Yup!" Rikku agreed smugly, totally missing the point. "I equipped my armour with Death-Proof!"

   "Hey, the wall's fixed, ya!" Wakka informed everyone. "No more bad actors from the sixties getting in the way of our mission! By the way, that'll be fifty-thousand gil."

   "I hate unions," Lulu said darkly.

   "Kimahri hate unions, too. Get in way of capitalist bourgeois pigs' oppression of working class, of which Kimahri approve," the Ronso said, lighting a pipe carved from adamantine, and adjusting his monocle. 

   "Hey, guys, did I mention that all my stats are all maxed out and yours aren't?" Rikku piped up. "Ow!" she shrieked as the ship turned a hard left and she flew into a wall.

   "She may be Level Too High to Count, but she's still light," Auron cackled.

   "I broke the wall!" Rikku said mournfully.

Lulu sighed.

   "Wakka? Wall?"

   "Alright! Now I can get next year's supply of hair gel," Wakka noted, pleased, as he pulled his hat and tub of Spackle back out of hammerspace. 

   "Are we there yet?" Tidus asked.

   "Can't you find something else to whine about, kid?" Auron demanded.

   "I hate my dad!" Tidus informed everyone tearfully.

   "Had to ask," Auron muttered.

   "Where did that come from?" Rikku asked.

   "Years and years of pent-up bitterness! And my mouth," Tidus added cheerfully.

Lulu turned to Auron.

   "Are we there yet?"

Auron grunted in vague annoyance.

   "Damned kids."

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	2. Here Comes the Cut Scene

Chapter 2

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   "Wow! Here we are, at the Zanarkand Ruins! I gotta say, the place has looked better," Tidus noted thoughtfully.

   "Yes; you say that every time we come here," Lulu said impatiently.

   "We're not here for long," Auron informed everyone. "Just long enough for me to go get my spheres. Then to the Thunder Plains. Then, probably five other places. And a couple boss fights."

   "Wow! You sure know these side quests, Auron!" Rikku said.

   "What do you think I did for ten years?" he grumbled.

   "I thought you mostly got drunk and reminisced about the good ol' days," Tidus chimed in. 

   "Shut up, kid," Auron growled. "I miss my jug…"

   "So, why's this jug so important anyway, ya?" Wakka asked, scratching his head.

   "Why? Why?! That jug has been with me from childhood! We've done everything together ever since."

   "Is this going to involve a wistful scene in a Bevelle malt shop?" Tidus asked.

   "Shut up, kid," Auron reiterated. "I remember it as if it were only…thirty-five years ago…"

   "Oh, God, here comes the cut scene," Lulu murmured.

   "If anyone needs me I'll be beating up fiends for fun!" Rikku informed the rest of the group, bouncing away. The next moment, the pained screams of several big hurty things drifted back toward them.

   "Hey, do you mind?" Auron called to them. "I'm trying to have a wistful flashback here. And I don't have too many of them. Unlike you, Whines-a-lot," he finished, glaring at Tidus.

   "This is my story," Tidus said weakly.

   "Yeah, well, _this_ is _my_ story," Auron said firmly. "And here's how it begins…

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   "Thirty-five years ago, when I was just a little bad-ass ronin, I lived at Kilika. My sword was only three feet long back then. But I loved that sword. It was my most prized possession. Until, on my fifth birthday, my father took me aside and gave me his private sake jug. He said, 'Auron, hang onto this while I go fight Sin.' He never came back. Sin ate him. 

   "But from that day forward, I took that jug with me everywhere I went. In a way, it became my father. I took it to school, I took it to the prom, I even took it to Lover's Lookout on my first date. It was also my last date. It was only twenty years ago that I first discovered the true value of the jug, though. It now holds all my most treasured possessions: my first sword, my second sword, my…"

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Meanwhile, in Aeon-Land…

   "Hey, Bahamut, anything interesting going on down there?" Valefor asked as it wandered past, its earrings clinking merrily against the floor of the bar.

   "Is there ever?" Bahamut slurred as Valefor somehow took the stool next to him and peered out the window at the world below. "Only thing I'm interested in is the bottom of this here bottle! Hey, there it is! Barkeep!" he concluded. "Hit me!"

Ifrit smirked at Valefor. 

   "Should I?"

   "You could let me do it," Valefor suggested hopefully. "After all, there is the chance he won't remember it. However, there's also the chance he'll sneeze and Mega-Flare us into non-existence."

   "Damn," Ifrit sighed, slamming another beer bottle onto the table. "Hey, is she ever going to order anything?" he continued, gesturing to the extremely large Aeon in the corner.

   "I doubt it," Valefor replied. "But if you ever want a good sob-story, she's got a couple. Hundred."

   "Hey, that's Anima," Ifrit chuckled.

   "I don't care if she's Anima or Annie! I'm getting tired of hearing it. 'Ooh, my son turned me into an Aeon! Ooh, life is shit! Ooh, puppies don't love me because I'm a giant hideous deformed Aeon with chains sticking out for miles!'"

  "Be a little more understanding, would you? She's got problems of her own! And anyway, they're all because of men like you," Shiva admonished icily from the end of the bar.

Valefor raised an eyebrow…or something. Maybe an earring.

   "I don't know what you see in her, Iffie. I don't think even _you_ can melt that heart of ice."

Ifrit winked.

   "Yeah, but I'm gonna give it my all!"

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   "…my eighty-seventh sword, my eighty-eighth sword, my eighty-ninth sword…" Auron was meanwhile continuing, utterly unheeding of the fact that everyone save Yuna, who made a point to be understanding and polite when listening to the problems of others, had long ago wandered off to do a little levelling up. After all, there was no sense in wasting time. Even if it was on a plot point of sorts.

   "…my ninetieth sword, my ninety-first sword…but y'know, I don't have my ninety-second sword anymore," he finished.

   "Oh?" Yuna said, stifling a yawn. "That's too bad."

   "I think Rikku accidentally threw it out the window and impaled Evrae with it when I asked her to toss it to me."

   "That was a pretty easy boss-fight," Yuna recalled thoughtfully. "That girl just doesn't know her own strength."

   "Oh, yes, she does," Auron said resentfully, glowering at the thought of the tiny girl's endless gloating. "Anyway, at least I still have my ninety-third sword. And my ninety-fourth sword. And my ninety-fifth sword…"

With a sigh, Yuna carefully seated herself on the edge of a nearby rock and prepared for a long wait.

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   "Hey, is he done yet, ya?" Wakka asked as he, Tidus, Lulu, and Kimahri returned to where they had left Auron to his reminiscing. 

Then the four of them blinked, rather startled, at the sight of Yuna curled up on the ground, cuddling her staff.

   "Awwwwwwww," Tidus crooned adoringly, hands clasped and eyes shiny.

Lulu, Wakka, and Kimahri exchanged rather frightened glances as he then curled up on the ground next to her.

Auron, however, was oblivious.

   "…my three thousand four hundred and twenty-second sword, my three thousand four hundred and twenty-third sword, my three thousand four hundred and twenty-fourth sword…and I think that was it," he concluded. "Oh, right and some potions. And some high potions. And a couple Phoenix Downs."

   "Did you want to continue looking for this jug at any point?" Lulu asked dryly.

   "I'd like to, but I need the key item, 'Auron's Spheres'," he replied.

   "What, you mean these things?" Rikku asked, wandering over to the group, several spheres in her hand. "I didn't think it was possible any more, but I actually managed to level up!"

   "Great," Auron said flatly. "Now, gimme those."

With a shrug, she handed them over.

   "Next time, I think I'll make you fight for 'em!" she said, slapping him playfully on the back and sending him sailing majestically through the air and then directly down to create a six-foot deep Auron-shaped indentation in the ground.

    "It's a good thing I'm already dead," he grumbled. "Otherwise, that would have really hurt."

   "Did you say something, Auron?" Tidus called, searching every nook and cranny in the area.

   "I said I'd like some really good bread to go with my milk curd," he called back, pole-vaulting from the indentation with his sword. "That's how it's done."

   "You drink milk curd?" Tidus asked, wrinkling his nose. 

   "It's a bad-ass thing. You wouldn't understand. Wuss," he added under his breath. "Can we move on, please? My jug won't find itself, you know."

   "That'd be really useful! A self-finding jug, ya?" Wakka commented thoughtfully. "'Course, you'd still have to find it, even if it found itself. So I guess it's not such a good idea when you really think about it, ya?" 

Lulu closed her eyes and seemed to be counting slowly to ten in order to summon patience of divine sources.

   "And now that we have that decided, shall we move on before Rikku gets bored and wanders off to beat up everything in the area?" 

   "Yeah!" Tidus agreed. "Let's go watch those spheres!" 

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Fifteen minutes later, the group crowded around the sphere viewing thingy, watching the Auron on the screen in fascination mingled with slight worry and vague amusement.

   "Hey, jug," the man on screen was greeting a large white jug, patting it gently on the side. "Beautiful morning, isn't it? Did you sleep well? Would you like some breakfast?" Then, after a moment, he laughed. "No, I'll make it. I insist."

   "Auron needs friends," Tidus commented decidedly, voicing the thoughts of everyone, save perhaps the Auron not on the screen.

   "No, what I need is to find my jug," he shot back before gazing wistfully at the jug on screen. "That jug's all the friend I'll ever need." 

   "So," Yuna began slowly, "that was a…touching look into Auron's…relationship with his jug, but…I don't quite…see how it will…help us…find it."

   "Well, now we know what it looks like," Auron said, as though this were a very obvious conclusion and poor Yuna was losing her mind not to know it.

A heavy silence fell.

   "Gee, I could've described it before," Rikku said hesitantly.

   "Ya, me too," Wakka agreed. "In fact, I think I did earlier! It's about this big, it's white, it's got beads hangin' off…at least, I think that's his jug. Lulu, that wasn't one of his swords, was it, ya?"

   "No, Wakka, it wasn't," she replied.

   "That's good, ya? That'd be a really stupid design for a sword. Not to mention brittle. You'd have to be pretty dumb to use a sword like that."

   "Yes, you would," Lulu agreed, patting him on the head.

   "Not like Blitzball. It's round, it's a ball, it's always the same shape. Sometimes it's got spikeys, but otherwise, it's usually the same. That reminds me-"

   "So, we went all the way to Zanarkand, just to find out something we already knew?" Tidus asked incredulously. "Does anyone else see the wasted trip here?"

   "You gonna cry about it?" Auron chuckled. "Anyway, don't blame me. It was her idea," he added, gesturing to Lulu.

   "You can never be too sure when an important clue might be uncovered. It's important to follow every lead. You never know where you'll end up," she said mysteriously.

  "Yeah, we do," Tidus said. "We'll end up sitting around the sphere viewing thingy, watching Auron talk to his jug."

   "And then we'll watch Sin eat the entire world because no one went to go kill him," Wakka added.

   "I'm sorry, everyone," Yuna said brokenly.

Six pairs of eyes blinked in bewilderment.

   "What?!"

   "Quota," she explained.

   "Um, guys?" Rikku interjected. "It's been at least five minutes since I pushed the level limit of the universe! Can we please go somewhere so I can fight something?"

Auron thought quickly.

   "Rikku," he began. "I've got an idea. I think we need a Chocobo. We can cover the distance much faster on Chocobo that airship. Just go with me, people," he added aside to the rest of the group, who had begun to protest that losing his jug must have affected his mind. "And since you're so good at everything, you must be a world-class Chocobo rancher."

   "Well, I hate to brag," she said with a grin.

   "So I'll give you these Gyshal Greens-"

   "Hey, these aren't Gyshal Greens! This is parsley!"

   "Oh, I suppose you know everything about herbology, too," Auron said sarcastically.

   "Of course! My herbology stat is through the roof!"

   "Well, then, you would know where to get some real Gyshal Greens," he said, punching her shoulder lightly. "It's obvious I can't put one over on you. So, go find us some real Gyshal Greens, and then catch us a Chocobo! Make it a Golden Chocobo!"

   "Yaay!" Rikku cheered.

   "There's no such thing as a Golden Chocobo," Auron muttered to Kimahri, chuckling. 

   "Kimahri not get joke," the Ronso said, adjusting the monocle he hadn't been able to bring himself to get rid of after the last gag, and looking vaguely disapproving. 

   "We'll let you off on at the Calm Lands," Tidus told Rikku cheerfully, either catching onto the plan or saying the right thing by complete and utter fluke. "Catch us a good one, okay? We're all counting on you!" 

   "Oh, you don't have to let me off," she assured him cheerfully. "I'll just jump out. My amazing stats will protect me!"

   "You need a push?" Auron muttered.

   "Thanks, Auron! But I don't think someone with your strength would make much of a difference," she replied, beamingly missing the point. 

With that, she bounded up to the deck, and the next moment, the alarmed exclamations of the various crewmembers milling about indicated that she had made good on her plan to jump off. 

   "Don't worry," Tidus called to the crewmembers. "She'll be fine!"  

   "So…what are we going to…do…now?" Yuna asked.

   "The jug dealership is in the Thunder Plains," Lulu replied. "But Rikku has all our gil. We'll have to go get some if we want to make any sort of arrangement with the dealer."

Auron made a noise of deep irritation.

   "I suggest we go to the Omega Ruins," she continued. "They were an abundant source of gil."

   "What about Sin?" Wakka demanded.

   "Yes…I must insist that…we deal with…Sin at…some point," Yuna agreed.

   "Sin's been around for a thousand years," Auron said inexorably. "A couple more hours won't hurt. To the Omega Ruins!"

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End Notes: Okay, time to explain the Rikku stats thing. As indicated by the review that Bezo left, when he played Final Fantasy 10, he levelled Rikku up very ridiculously, while the rest of the team was only levelled up moderately ridiculously. As a result, Rikku's stats were maxed, and she became the powerhouse of the team. And so, naturally, the silly gag has made its way into our story. 


	3. Can I Be the New Sin?

Chapter 3 – Can I Be the New Sin?

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   "Good day, Harold," Freda the Tonberry greeted her fellow green lizardy cleric thing.

   "My dear Freda!" Harold replied warmly, sliding into the chair opposite hers at the table covered with a blue linen cloth and set with the fixings of a most lovely tea party. "Truly, it has been too long. Been a bit busy around the ruins of late, what with all the adventurers coming in and knocking various monsters into orbit."

   "Yes, I do wish those adventurers would kindly push off. And take that noisy Omega Weapon with them," Freda agreed, shaking her head.

   "Haven't seen him around much lately," Harold noted, reaching for a lemon biscuit.

   "Haven't seen who much around lately?" a third voice asked.

   "Oh, good day to you, Cecil," Freda called. "Take a seat, will you?"

   "I will, thank-you, Freda," Cecil replied, pulling out the chair next to Harold.

   "Harold was just remarking how we haven't seen Omega Weapon around much lately," Freda said, passing him a cup.

   "Ah, yes, I have noticed a general improvement in the quality of the air around here," Cecil agreed. 

Harold chuckled.

   "Quite, quite."

   "Good day, everyone," a fourth little green lizardy thing called merrily approaching the tea party.

   "Oh, hello there, Penelope," Cecil replied. "We're just having a spot of tea. Join us, will you?"

   "Yes, nice weather for it. I think I will."

   "Oh, lovely," Freda beamed. "Harold, would you kindly start the sandwiches?"

   "Of course, my dear," Harold agreed, taking two and passing the plate to Cecil. "They look delightful, by the way."

   "Oh, do go on," Freda said, waving away the praise modestly and blushing slightly, if such a thing is possible for Tonberrys – we wouldn't know, having never embarrassed a Tonberry.

Suddenly, just as Penelope had begun to pass the sugar to Freda, an alarmed voice, somewhere off in the distance, exclaimed, 

   "Hey, guys, it's a bunch of Tonberrys! Let's kill them before they can kill us!"

   "Oh, bother," Cecil sighed as the band of travellers descended upon the table. "There were some advantages to having Omega Weapon here. The adventurers seemed less inclined to go poking around and interrupting our tea party."

   "Oh, dear, and there are no Chef's Knives around!" Freda lamented. 

   "Well, how about this…butter knife?" Penelope suggested.

   "Wonderful idea love," Cecil said dryly. "This is the last time I ever come for tea here."

   "Yes, I expect it will be," Harold agreed as he received a hefty blow across the back of the head from a Blitzball.

   "I hit one, ya?!" a voice, different than the first one, declared proudly.

   "Ouch," Harold lamented.

   "He's throwing a ball at us," Cecil noted in disgust. "This is rather humiliating. He's beating us to death with a ball."

   "You always were first out during Dodgeball, weren't you?" Penelope recalled.

   "I hated that game," Cecil said viciously. "If I'd known I would end up here, I would have put in more hours of practice."

   "Hindsight," Harold said with a sympathetic smile.

   "Yeah," Cecil agreed as the table burst into pieces due to a well-placed bolt of lightning.

   "Eh, you missed, Lu," the voice that the Tonberrys had come to associate with the ball, laughed.

   "Oh, did I?" a more feminine voice asked. 

   "Ya!"

   "Oh, really!"

   "Yes," a different voice replied. A rather gruff, crusty, curmudgeoney voice, Freda noted idly.

A pause. 

   "Oh." Another pause. "Really?"

   "I'm afraid so," a sweet, halting feminine voice said kindly. "I'm sorry."

   "Oh," the other girl sighed sadly. "Well, if I missed with Thundaga, I'd like to see them dodge this! Ultima!"

   "Oh, dear," Penelope said a little worriedly, being the possessor of a great gift of understatement. 

------------------------------------------------

   "I wonder what they were doing," Tidus said, nudging the dried husk of what had previously been a Tonberry wearing a little flowered hat. 

   "Ya," Wakka agreed. "I don't know why a Tonberry would have a teapot." 

   "Ah, Wakka, if you knew two things, I suspect you'd know twice as much," Lulu said pleasantly.

   "You think so?" Wakka asked. "Maybe after we beat Sin, I can go to university or somethin'!" 

   "Yes, I'm sure they could use a pool boy." 

   "Really?" Wakka asked excitedly.

   "Oh, come on, Lulu," Tidus said lightly. "You're just mad because you missed." 

   "Oh, did I?" she asked viciously. 

   "Yeah, I think I remember something about that," Tidus replied.

   "Well, be warned. I never miss twice." 

   "Rikku never misses at all," Tidus noted.

   "Grumble-grumble-grumble," said everyone.

   "Gee, I wonder what Rikku's doing right now," Yuna said.

----------------------------------------------------

   "Please…let me be the new Sin!" Seymour begged fervently.

Sin lowered his enormous whiskey bottle and swiped blindly in the direction that the annoying voice was coming from.

   "Pleeeeeeeease?" Seymour wheedled, eyes wide and shiny. 

   "I work alone, kid."  
   "But I wanna be the new Sin!"

   "Tell ya what: if you can kill me, you can be the new Sin. Don't even have to do all that crap with the final Aeon. Just gimme all you got. I got a couple seconds. Don't know what the hell's keeping that idiot whiner son of mine," he concluded with a grumble. "On the plus side, I got plenty of quality time alone with my favourite things: whiskey, and a bottle. To hold the whiskey, of course."

    "Yes. Of course," Seymour agreed shortly. "Very well! If defeat you I must, then defeat you, I shall!"

   "Like you defeated my kid?"

   "Shut up!" Seymour whined.

   "Look. If Whinesey McWhinesalot can beat you, there's no way you're gonna take me down."

   "I'll show you! I'll summon the most powerful of all Aeons! Anima!"

The skies grew dark, and the clouds rolled back. From the heavens, a voice proclaimed,

   "I'm still mad at you for turning me into an Aeon, young man! You're grounded!"

   "Aw, ma!" Seymour whimpered. "Not again!"

Sin chuckled nastily.

   "Having a little trouble performing?"

   "Shut up! I got interrupted on my wedding night!"

Sin sighed. 

   "Meanwhile, I still live. Now, go away. There's whiskey to be drunk, and I'm the hideously freakish end boss to drink it!"

   "I'm not done yet! There's a whole bar full of Aeons, and I bet one of them will come!"

   "Hmph. Probably Carbuncle."

   "Who's Carbuncle?"

   "Long story," Sin replied laconically, taking another swig. "And it's not my story."

Seymour frowned.

   "Why aren't you drunk yet?"

   "Look at me," Sin suggested. "I weigh twenty-five thousand tons. Do you have any idea how much I need to get me tipsy? I had an idea, a few years back. I was gonna take all the fruit in the world and throw it in the ocean. Then I'd take some yeast and throw it in there. Then I was gonna take Spira and move it away from the sun. Then I'd finally have enough. An ocean of liquor!"

   "An ocean of liquor?!" a voice repeated excitedly from above.

   "Ah! Excellent!" Seymour noted. "Bahamut! You were next on my list!"

   "Who're you?" Bahamut demanded.

   "I'm Seymour! Guado? Funny hair? Dead?"

   "Doesn't ring a bell. You got beer?"

   "No," Seymour replied reluctantly. "I have the power to control Aeons and bring terrible calamity upon the world as the next Sin!"

   "But you don't have beer," Bahamut clarified.

   "No, not as such," Seymour admitted.

   "Hey, Bahamut!" Sin called jovially. "What say we dump this loser and head up to the bar?" 

   "I don't think you're welcome there," Bahamut said thoughtfully. 

   "What're ya talkin' about? I'm an Aeon! I'm the ultimate Aeon! Summoned by Yu Yevon himself!"

   "Yeah, but you're a dark Aeon, see? We're all light Aeons. There's a sign, see? We're not allowed to bring in dark Aeons."

   "Damn discrimination's what that is!" Sin growled. "Why are you guys always trying to keep the dark Aeons down? We have to ride at the back of the bus, we don't get the vote, we don't get to go to the damn bar! You know, one time there was this chick I was makin' time with. Shee…Shin…Sheila…no, wait, S-something. Anyway, she was a real hot little number. Body that wouldn't quit. But cold as ice."

   "Hot, but cold as ice," Seymour murmured, puzzling over this.

   "You wouldn't understand," Sin scoffed. "Probably never seen a chick in your life."

   "I've seen them," Seymour protested. "Usually, they're running away in terror because I kidnapped them and tried to force them to marry me, but I have seen them!" 

   "Can I go on, please?" Sin requested, annoyed. 

And since Sin talks when Sin wants to talk, he did.

   "Anyway, this one time, she and I went to the Moonflow. I destroyed it, but she wasn't impressed."

   "You have to work so hard to impress some women," Bahamut said sympathetically.

   "Yeah; not like he'd know," Sin chuckled, pointing with a giant flipper to a very annoyed Seymour. The subtlety of the gesture was somewhat lost…

Bahamut frowned, rather suspicious.

   "Hey…didn't you say something about an ocean of liquor?"

   "That'd be great," Sin sighed with the Sin-equivalent of shiny eyes.

   "So…what you're trying to say is, there's no ocean of liquor."

   "Yeah," Sin shrugged. "Be nice, wouldn't it?"

   "Bahamut is going home!" Bahamut proclaimed, pouting.

   "Well, it was good to see you again, old buddy!" Sin called after him as he departed. "Hey, hold on; you have a spare Mega Flare to take care of my little pest problem here?" 

He indicated Seymour with another gesture of his huge, un-subtle flipper.

   "No beer, no Mega Flare," Bahamut said, turning away airily.

   "Geez…he's becoming as mercenary as Yojimbo," Sin commented aside to the wall, since the only other thing around to talk to was Seymour, and he couldn't count on the boy to understand the big words he was using. 

Seymour looked up at him hopefully, poking in the flipper.

   "So, can I be the new Sin yet?"

------------------------------------------------

   "Yeah," Tidus was meanwhile agreeing. "I'll bet Rikku's somewhere, having a great time and gaining tons more experience!"

   "Damn her," Auron growled.

   "I'm sorry…Auron," Yuna hastened – sort of – to apologize.

   "Not you," he sighed.

   "I'm sor-"

   "Yeah, alright," he interrupted. "We get it. Hey, kid," he continued, turning to Tidus. "Don't you think you, Wakka, and Lulu have had enough fun?"

   "I thought we were trying to get money, not fun," Tidus mused, scratching his head.

   "Let…him live…Auron," Yuna pleaded, trying futilely to restrain the man currently advancing menacingly on Tidus. "He's…kind of…cute. He…makes me want to…wear…short…shorts."

   "Fine," Auron grumbled. "I won't kill him. Perhaps…a song. C'mere, boy. Here's a number, just for you. Row, row, row your boat-"

   "Stop it, Auron!" Tidus pleaded.

   "-gently down the stream-"

   "I mean it!"

   "-merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily-"

   "Noooo!" he whimpered. "Don't finish that!"

   "What's he so upset about, ya?" Wakka asked.

   "For once, Wakka, we're all as in the dark as you are," Lulu said, somewhat mystified.

   "Ahem," Auron said, slinging his arm about Tidus' shoulders. "-life is but a dream," he concluded with a wink.

   "I hate you!" Tidus cried. "Not as much as Dad, but I hate you!"

With that, he ran, sobbing, into the next room. 

   "Where…do you think he's…going?" Yuna wondered.

   "Maybe he wanted to leave for a bit, learn how to become a man of substance," Auron suggested, snickering.

   "Kimahri not get this joke, either," Kimahri noted, adjusting his paisley print bathrobe. 

   "How many time we gotta tell you, ya?" Wakka asked, exasperated. "You don't wear the robe in battle!"

   "Kimahri not battling," Kimahri pointed out. "Kimahri enjoying fruits of labour. Specifically, labour of others, as fine aristocrat would. Gothic chick," he continued, flicking a hundred-gil piece at Lulu. "Fetch Kimahri a drink."

   "Fetch this," Lulu said ominously, beginning a spell.

The next moment, Tidus' scream drifted in from the next room.

   "I don't get it," Lulu murmured, a hand to her forehead. "As funny as it was, that wasn't intended for him."

   "Gothic chick get sloppy in her old age," Kimahri noted wisely.

   "I'll show you sloppy!" 

The next moment, a loud zap echoed through the ruins, along with another scream of pain from Tidus.

   "Lulu! Please stop! You're…killing…him," Yuna pleaded.

   "I know, but I'm trying to kill _him_!" Lulu said, gesturing to Kimahri and his monocle. 

   "Maybe gothic chick should aim for Wakka," Kimahri suggested. "Maybe gothic chick luck out and hit Kimahri."

   "It couldn't hurt to try," Lulu agreed, beginning another spell.

   "Ya! It could, ya! It could hurt me!" Wakka exclaimed. "But I don't know if magic really hurts or not. I'm so confused about everything!"

   "I'll…uh…be over there," Auron announced, stepping into a corner. "Away from the kid."

The next minute, a cold breeze blew in from the next room, and once again, Tidus let out a howl of pain.

   "It's cold! It's cold! It's cold!"

   "This isn't happening!" Lulu insisted. "I'll get it on the next one."

   "Lulu, please, aim for me," Tidus suggested as he bolted into the room.

   "Everybody run," Auron commanded.

Lulu glared at him.

   "I do not have bad aim!" 

   "I dunno, Lulu," Wakka said thoughtfully. "Seems like you couldn't hit the broad side of a Shoopuff with a blitzball!"

   "Do I look like I'd touch a blitzball?"

   "I don't like to judge people by appearances," Wakka said seriously. 

Lulu sighed. 

   "Never mind, Wakka. Just…go play."

   "Alright, ya! Who wants to blitz?"

   "It's about to get very, very wet in here," Lulu announced as Wakka sort of wandered off. 

Tidus pointed emphatically to himself.

Lulu nodded.

   "Waterga!"

The next moment, Tidus found himself swept away in the massive ball of water that had first descended upon him from the skies.

Lulu nodded, quite satisfied with the outcome.

   "I'm back!"


	4. Severe Paine

Chapter 4 – Severe Paine

-----------------------------------------------

   "Hit me, ya?"

   "Uh—"

   "How many?" Tidus asked, interrupting Auron, much to his disgust.

   "Guys?"

   "You remember, Wakka, you can only have up to five," Lulu warned.

   "Hey! Guys!" Auron said impatiently.

   "Man," Wakka sighed. "Poker's so complicated. We shoulda played Go Sin instead."

   "No, we should've stopped playing games two hours ago, and started looking for my jug!"

   "Gee, Auron, I think you're developing an obsession with that jug," Tidus said nervously.

   "Trust me, kid, the only thing I'm obsessed with right now is the idea of causing you severe pain," Auron growled.

   "Huh?" a girl several seats down the bar said, looking up abruptly.

Her brilliant ruby-hued eyes gazed piercingly at them, and the light reflected dazzlingly off her oddly-shaped silvered locks. She had the kind of hair that looked sculpted by some professional with too much time on his hands, and far too much creativity for his own good, and made hair-stylists the world round do a double take, and then weep in despair. Her skin was the colour of new milk, but not quite. A little darker, actually. And the immense sword propped up next to her at the bar led a person to believe that attempting to drink her would probably result in a sharp and pointy future.

Tidus shivered a little as he noticed the silver skull-shaped ornamentation at the handle leering oddly at him, and Auron began to feel a wee bit inadequate. Wakka sensed that she looked a lot like Lulu's little sister, ya? You know, if Lulu spent a lot more time with her hair. And wore leather straps and not much else. At this thought, Wakka's nose began to bleed slightly, and he wished she would, ya? Yuna wracked her brains for an apology for disturbing their new acquaintance. Kimahri reflected that the girl "look good, but need bigger horn. Or any horn, really." Lulu looked her up and down and concluded that in general, she approved of the girl's fashion sense. She didn't have as much to work with as Lulu, but she certainly made up for it in other ways.

   "Did you guys not call me?" the girl asked, staring quizzically back at all these odd people staring at her.

   "Nope," Tidus replied cheerfully.

   "Oh," she nodded. "Well, bye."

With that, she hopped off her stool, grabbed her sword, and left.

   "Anyway," Tidus said, not really going anywhere with this, but anxious to break the silence.

   "Can we go?" Auron demanded grumpily.

   "Yes, dear," Lulu replied, patting him condescendingly on the head as best she could reach.

   "I thought I was your dear, Lu," Wakka said, a little hurt.

   "Don't worry your pointed little head about it, Wakka," she said reassuringly, patting him on the head with her other hand.

   "Kimahri not pay bill. Kimahri sick of always paying bill," the Ronso said pettishly.

   "We didn't order anything, Kimahri," Tidus reminded him soothingly.

   "Just warning for next time," Kimahri explained before taking a surreptitious puff of his ivory-inlaid pipe.

--------------------------------------------------------

   "Ergh!" Seymour grunted in annoyance as the giant blue thingy on the top of his head drooped forward once again. "I think I'll need more hair gel."

   "What in the hell are you doing?" Sin demanded, something that might have been an eyebrow if Sin had been anyone but Sin lifting slightly.

Seymour sighed and rolled his eyes.

   "I swear, some people think this just happens by itself," he said, gesturing to his impossible hairstyle.

   "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait just a second here," Sin requested, holding up a flipper. "You do that on purpose?!"

   "To be the future leader of the world, one must be stylish," Seymour said with a cheesy grin.

   "Is that what they're callin' it nowadays?" Sin chuckled. "Back in my day – the distant past – they had some other names for it. Dorky was one of the kinder ones."

   "Well, there's simply no accounting for taste," Seymour said absently, scooping another handful of yellow Wakka-Brand Super-Hold hair gel from the little plastic tub and rubbing it into his hair.

   "You said it," Sin said emphatically. "I don't know how you expect to get a chick looking like that. Maybe your big beer gut?"

    "That's not my gut!" Seymour protested, whirling about and glaring at Sin. "That's the cut of my outfit!"

   "Get a new tailor," Sin suggested kindly.

   "This is very Guado!"

   "Get a new species."

   "You just don't understand fashion," Seymour sighed, shaking his head and then making a disgusted face as this caused his hair to droop forward again.

   "Maybe that's because it's so damn hard to find a shirt my size," Sin grunted. "I'd have to ask the guy, 'now, does this accommodate the wings that may sprout forth from my back periodically? Should I shop at Mr. Huge and Towering? Do these shoes make my flippers look fat?'"

   "I have the feeling you're not taking me seriously," Seymour said, rather hurt, readjusting the blue thingy sticking out of the back of his head and then preening for a few seconds before the full-length mirror he had moved in.

   "I can't imagine why," Sin said. "Although, it could have something to do with everything about you. You've got stupid hair, you've got stupid clothes – you're only a red nose away from being a clown. Aw, don't cry," he concluded as Seymour's lip began to quiver.

   "I'm trying to bring about the Spiral of Death in Spira, and all you can do is complain about my wardrobe!"

   "As long as I don't have to wear it, it's not complaining; it's mocking," Sin explained.

Seymour sighed, turning from the mirror, the masterpiece complete at last.

   "Anyway. Can I be the new Sin yet?"

----------------------------------------------------------

   "Yaay! We're finally at the Thunder Plains!" said Auron.

   "I've never seen Auron so excited," Tidus muttered to Wakka before dodging a lightning bolt. "Y'know, I remember why I never liked it here. How come all the lightning always goes after me, anyway?"

   "Must be your magnetic personality," Auron chuckled.

   "You got a magnetic personality?" Wakka asked, impressed. "Okay, I gotta try something. Auron! Gimme a sword!"

   "I would," Auron bit out, "but they're all in my jug!"

Wakka thought carefully.

   "Uh…Kimahri! Gimme one of your stick thingies!"

   "Only in interest of seeing boy hit by pole arm," Kimahri said, handing it over.

Wakka intently tapped the side of Tidus' arm with the metallic, sharp, hurty bit on the end.

   "It's not workin'," he reported. "Turn it on, ya?"

   "Uh…what're you doin', Wakka?" Tidus asked hesitantly.

   "I wanna see the magnet!" Wakka replied.

   "We're finally at the Thunder Plains," Auron sobbed, "and we're still doing nothing! I'm starting to think I'm the only one who cares about getting my jug back!"

   "But…Auron…you are…the…only one…who…cares," Yuna admitted eventually.

   "We could fight the Iron Giant," Lulu suggested.

   "We don't have time for that!" Auron barked.

   "I was merely pointing out that if we don't fight it, it may kill Kimahri," she shrugged, pointing.

Kimahri turned slowly, certain that he wasn't going to like this.

   "Give back stick!" he ordered, waving his hand frantically.

   "Now I'll never see the magnet, ya?" Wakka said disappointedly, handing it over. "It woulda come in really handy, with the Iron Giant."

   "Oh, great," the Iron Giant sighed, sitting down cross-legged and pouting. "Some bold adventurers finally show up, and they're all a bunch of morons! Where's the challenge, I ask you?"

   "You want a challenge?" Auron growled. "I've got your challenge, right here!"

He waved his sword menacingly for a moment before noticing that he wasn't, because it wasn't there.

   "Right," he sighed. "No sword."

   "And the moron count is complete," the Iron Giant grumbled.

   "We don't have time for this," Lulu decided. "Wakka, throw your ball at him."

   "Alright!" Wakka cheered. "Something I know how to do!"

He wound up and hurled the ball through the air.

   "Poing!" it said as it struck the thoroughly disgusted Iron Giant.

   "You're supposed to catch it!" Wakka said. "Man, Iron Giants are no good at Blitzball."

   "Why don't…I…help?" Yuna suggested. Once the Iron Giant had recovered from his laughing fit, she continued, affronted. "Hey! I can…do…stuff! Just wait until you see this!"

With that, she leapt into a little summoning-dance that did nothing to help the Iron Giant stop laughing.

   "Yojimbo!"

   "No!" everyone else howled as the sky grew…well, cloudier.

   "Heya, toots, whadda youse want?" a voice from behind her asked.

   "Go get him!" Yuna commanded.

Yojimbo looked at her curiously for a moment.

   "Youse want me to whack this guy?"

   "Yes! Whack him!" Yuna agreed heartily.

   "Well, I don't just do that for free."

   "Yeah! Go! Go—what?"

   "Youse heard me, dollface. In order to do the whackin', Yojimbo's gonna need a little incentive, capiche?. Youse think this puppy pays for itself?" he demanded, gesturing to his dog. 

   "Ooh! He's cute! I want one!" Yuna chirped.

   "May I just put in that I am absolutely mortified by the state of adventurers nowadays?" the Iron Giant interjected.

   "So, how 'bout it, cookie? We gonna do this thing or what?"

   "Well…we don't…exactly…have a lot of…money right now. We were wondering….if…you could…do a…freebie."

   "A freebie," Yojimbo repeated flatly. "Let me tell you a little somethin' about the family. The family is not big on comps. You understand what I'm sayin'?"

   "No…freebie?" Yuna guessed sadly. "I…suppose you…had…better…just go…then."

   "Oh! So, youse bring me all the way here, to the Thunder Plains, where I could get hit by lightning if Tidus weren't right over there, and then youse tells me that I'm not getting paid?"

   "Yes," Yuna confirmed.

   "Hey, Iron Giant; you got any money? Want these guys whacked? Nothin' personal," he added aside to Yuna, giving her a playful smack on the cheek. "Just business."

Yuna was silent for a moment. Then…

   "Anima!"

-------------------------------------------------

   "Hey, Anima," Ixion called, raising his head from the beer trough, which had been known to make Bahamut very jealous. "You're up!"

   "Oh, woe is me! Sob, sad noises—what?"

   "I knew she was faking it," Ifrit muttered to Shiva. "Nobody can be that depressed all the time. At least, once they're past adolescence."

From the other end of the bar, another sniffle and sob drifted.

   "I remember when Yuna used to call on me," Valefor sighed, setting down her beer. "Then she got all these fancy city-Aeons, and now she's forgotten all the fun we used to have together. Beating up plant thingies, beating up Iron Giants, beating up Wakka, beating up Belgamine…oh, all the happy times! All gone!"

   "I refuse to get depressed…I refuse to get depressed…I refuse to get depressed," Shiva chanted.

   "Hey, Shiva; loan me fifty gil?" Ifrit asked, nudging her in the side.

She sighed, eyes beginning to tear up slightly.

   "I'm dating a leech. Sure, he's great in the bedroom, but I'm dating a leech!"

   "Hey, Anima? You're still up," Ixion prodded. "You know how testy Yuna gets when we don't come right away.

Anima chuckled, tears forgotten.

   "Yeah; she may talk haltingly at me."

   "And then apologize," Bahamut slurred, laughing loudly.

   "Hey, come on, you guys," Valefor protested. "Yuna may not be the toughest girl out there, but she's still our summoner! And anyway, I think she could kick ass in a pair of short-shorts."

   "Yeah, right," Ixion snorted. "Like Little Miss Modest would ever wear those!"

   "Yeah! I can just see her wedding night now! 'But Yuna,'" Ifrit began, imitating Tidus, "'you'll probably have to take your clothes off at some point.'"

   "'I…don't know, you,'" Shiva replied in an exaggeratedly halting voice. "'It…doesn't…seem…right.'"

Valefor glared.

   "You guys all suck!"

   "Then how come we're the only ones who ever get summoned?" Bahamut asked, grinning.

Valefor's eyes filled with tears, and after one shocked moment, she turned and ran from the room, sobbing.

Bahamut shrugged.

   "What'd I say?"

   "So, Anima, you gonna go or not?" Ixion demanded, turning to her own special corner of the bar.

 But she was gone.

------------------------------------------------------

End Notes: End notes?! We don't need no stinkin' end notes!


End file.
